Dealing with the Habits of Negative, Toxic People: How to recognize them and protect yourself

Life can be unfair. Life can be unkind. Life can be difficult and relentless. Nobody has the perfect life. All people have tough days and experience bad events. Even the luckiest of people experience unfortunate situations. Everyone at some point during their time on this planet, deals with stress, heartache and trauma. Unfortunately, some more than others. It doesn't make it right, it doesn't make it fair.....but that is just how it is and no amount of bitching and complaining will change it. Hear what I'm saying?? Despite what you may think, constant complaining about everything in your life, does not make you feel better and actually pushes your further into a pool of pessimism. Playing the victim is like constantly eating junk food....it will only make you feel worse in the long run.

I truly believe that chronic negativity and complaining is a mental illness. I believe that this is a way of life for some people. They've rewired their brain over the years to 'be' this way. They exhaust other people's energy, frustrate others to no end and can't fully love anyone else, no matter how many boxes they tick to make them seemingly look like they care. It has to be exhausting for them too! These types of people are what some professionals deem as pessimistic, help-rejecting complainers. They don't want help, they don't want advice...they want sympathy and may even find comfort in their pessimism at times. Although they can actually change circumstances to avoid being victimized, they won’t seize the opportunity. They push people away and when they don't feel heard, it gives them something else to complain about. It is a sad, vicious cycle.

I have learned a great deal about this. I've read endless amounts of publications. I've researched a great deal of topics surrounding mental illness; including narcissism, Machiavellianism (think Donald Trump) and self-victimization. I've also had a lot of personal experiences with this topic. I have created a list of what are, in my opinion, habits of highly toxic people, as well as some ways to protect and care for yourself when it comes to cynical, pessimistic relationships with these types of people.

+ Habits of cynical, toxic people +

- They only talk about bad things that happen in their lives.

- They always bring the attention back to themselves.

- Any good news is met with pessimism and any positive experience is met with negativity.

- They push people away and sabotage relationships.

- They are frozen in their lives; they can't seem to progress or advance.

- They feel sorry for themselves, play the victim and act like a martyr.

- They hold grudges and hang on to old grievances.

- They don't know when to say "enough is enough"; they can't set boundaries.

- They often talk about how others take advantage of their kindness.

- They constantly compare themselves to other people.

- They get strangely jealous.

- They're often unpredictable, make poor decisions and irrational choices.

- They often avoid taking responsibility for their life, instead blaming others for their mistreatment or unfortunate circumstances. They would rather stay angry, sad and disempowered.

- They often maintain friendships or relationships with those who disrespect, mistreat or abuse them to convince themselves and everyone around them of their unhappy position.

+ How the 'victim' can help themselves +

Obviously, they need to realize that they play the victim and that they want to change that mentality.

1) My first recommendation is for them to seek help from a professional. This could be in the form of a psychologist, counsellor or life coach. While these people are meant to help by offering advice and guidance through their difficulties, only the 'victim' themselves can change the direction of their lives.

2) This next one is very hard work on the part of the 'victim'....having them change the way that they view life. Getting away from the negative mentality and the victim mode, and moving toward positivity and gratitude. Only they can make the necessary changes needed to live a happier life.

3) Listen to loved ones. They can stand on the outside and look in to the life of a 'victim' and see behaviours that the victim likely cannot recognize.

+ How you can help and protect yourself +

1) Seeking help from a professional can teach you how to; better cope with your loved one, how to help them, or even how to (in extreme cases) get them out of your life completely. Some of the above habits might mean that you have to do just that.

2) Set clear boundaries and stick with them. Know exactly what you will tolerate and what you won't. Don't let the 'victim' tear down your boundary walls. It doesn't matter if others think that your boundaries are right or wrong for you. This is your wellbeing at stake!

3) Know that your job is not to help the 'victim' through every crisis. Toxic people are in constant crisis because they create them. They need to learn that you won't be a part of their pity party every single time they have created drama in their lives. It might feel insensitive or wrong because it’s not your normal way, but remember that you’re not dealing with a normal person.

4) Know that you do not need to explain or justify yourself!

5) Don't judge. Now this is not easy, but it is important. Trust me...I'm guilty of this from time to time. Try to have compassion and understanding....all while keeping your boundaries in place and your head held high.

6) Know that you yourself, are not perfect. Know what your strengths and weaknesses are, own them and don't let the 'victim' play those against you.

7) Keep your expectations low. Ugh....this is so hard for me but I have grown over the years. If you knew where I started from in comparison to where I am at now....you would see a huge growth spurt! You can't reason with a toxic person....that is what makes them toxic. When you choose to have expectations and a person doesn't live up to these expectations...disappointment happens.

8) Choose your battles. You don't have to step up to every challenge you're faced with. Save your energy for good, positive things in your life!

9) Surround yourself with good stuff. Good people, good experiences, making good memories, etc.

10) Don't focus on the problem. Focus on a solution! Focus on making steps in the right direction to not only help the 'victim' but to help yourself.

11) Don't play the victim yourself. It is ok to feel a little down about a bad day at work, an argument with a loved one, the fact that you dropped and broke your favourite mug....but to take every negative thing that happens in your life and dwell....don't. Just don't. You are amazing and strong and smart. You're nobody's victim. Nobody's!