Growth, Change, Personal Boundaries and Letting Go

I have been taking a bit of a hiatus from blogging and my web page, among some other things in my life.....so that I could give myself some much needed time to think, reflect and regroup.

What I am writing about here has been especially challenging for me at times. I'm not writing about this for pity or seeking any kind of sympathy.....trust me, I've had my own pity parties in the past and they do nothing but make me feel incredibly shity about situations and people that I can't change, sway or influence. Struggles such as accepting that my sister will forever be held by the grip of her addictions and that I will never have the close relationship with her that I crave. Or that my biological dad chooses not to be a part of the lives of his 5 kids and granddaughter for no reason other than his narcissistic, self-centered ways. Or that my daughters father can be damn near near impossible to co-parent with. Or my Daughter who was recently diagnosed with ADHD and the challenges that come along with that. For me, writing things down becomes just as effective, if not more than just talking about it. I have time to think, organize, compartmentalize and release.

Growth and change sometimes sucks and letting go; that is something that many of us struggle with. We as humans, have a hard time letting go of many things in our lives such as physical possessions, the loss of a loved one, past romantic relationships that weren't mean to be, present relationships that knowingly aren't very healthy, ideas of how we think people and things should be, etc. Letting go of the truly heart-wrenching, keep-you-up-at-night situations.....that is one of the hardest challenges that a person will ever have to overcome. These are things that take many years and a hell of a lot of soul healing to work though. I think that eventually, a person gets to a point in their life where they know that they are investing energy into something that isn't benefiting or serving them in a positive way and that in order to save their soul, they need to take a step back from the situation. And there begins the healing process of growth, change, personal boundary setting and letting go.

Now when I say letting go....I mean, acceptance. Accepting that things or people are the way that they are and because of that, they may no longer fit into your life. And that is 100% ok! Push aside those feelings of guilt or selfishness. You're allowed to take care of yourself first! That well known saying of; 'You can't pour from an empty cup, take care of yourself first' is one that is on repeat in my head. You simply cannot nurture and care for others if you are suffering. And please...if you are, reach out to someone you trust. Don't package up your 'stuff', store it away and try to sift through it alone. I'm guilty of that at times and trust me....it's energy-sucking. Thank gaaaawwwddd for my Mom; she is the one person in my life who has always and continues to listen without judgement to all of my worries, fears, ideas, endevaours, adventures, thoughts and struggles. She really is my rock.

I've worked really, really hard on myself over the last handful of years. Not only as a person, but as a strong, independent woman and as a hardworking, single Mom. Nobody will ever know how truly hard I've worked - physically and mentally. I pride myself on it. I pat myself on the back many nights before heading off to bed, just knowing that I've conquered yet another day on my own. I've fallen asleep with a smile on my face, but also with tears running down my cheeks. I'm not a perfect person or parent; not by far. There have been times where I've thought of myself as the worst parent on the planet. I've had bad moments...days...weeks...seriously, there have been damn difficult, lonely times.....but I've always sorted myself out and talked myself through the shit. I still to this day, have to work on my 'shit' at times. It's a challenge, which is a never-ending learning process and includes a lot of positive self-talk.

I think that the most difficult part is that while there are many supportive people in my life, most just don't understand how things are for me. And that is ok. Being a single parent with no family around to help.....I don't have the luxury of being 'off the ball'. I don't have the other parent in my life to rely on when I'm having a hard day, when I'm sick or just need a break. I have to work at being balanced at all times...the disciplinarian and the boundary setter but also the fun, easy-going parent. My evenings are filled with dinner-making, housekeeping, property maintenance, laundry, homework, school lunches, etc.....which often makes it difficult when my child just wants me to spend time with her.

I've learned over the years, to set healthy personal boundaries. I've learned not to let people walk all over me, to stand up for myself, to say no and to walk away from situations that don't do it for me. This makes me feel powerful and it builds my confidence as a single parent and also as a woman.

The first step in learning to set boundaries is self-awareness. Pay close attention to the situations when you feel your energy being drained, feel a pit in your stomach or want to give up. Identifying where you need more space, self-respect, positive energy or personal power is the first step in setting boundaries. Another way to recognize and set personal boundaries is through the following: 1. Reminding yourself of things such as: 'People don't have the right to criticize you, make comments about your weight or appearance, verbally, psychologically, physically or sexually abuse you, take their anger out on you, humiliate you in front of others, make you feel less than, make offensive comments or to invade your personal space.'

2. Understanding that:

'You have a right to ask for privacy, to make a change in your appearance or other aspects of your life without another's approval, to allow for some peace and quiet time for yourself without justification, to ask for more help when needed, ask questions or for more information before making a decision about something.' 3. To value and protect your time and energy: 'You have the right to turn the ringer off on your phone, take your time to return calls, texts or e-mails, to change your mind, to cancel plans or a commitment when your not feeling well, to designate a place in your home that is off-limits to others and to spend time alone.'

Recognizing signs that you are off-center and unbalanced. Recognize signs of burnout and exhaustion. Notice when you don't feel like yourself. Listen and pay attention to others who notice these things too. You are one single person and while you may be able to do alot....you can bear the weight of it all. I've been there. I am there. I am currently working through a period of growth, change, personal boundary setting and letting go. It sucks...I won't lie. But when I make it through and come out the other side....I will be a hell of a lot stronger, more knowledgeable and resilient because of it.

xo